It is said we come into this world alone and we must leave it alone. What remains untold is the dark path we must travel throughout this life, the times you are neither coming nor dying but have never so desired a familiar face more. Barricaded in this troubled mind, I have known nothing but solitude, it alone has been my companion in life. Lying here now I see the truth, it was all an illusion, a fabrication of the mind; I was never alone, not really. The cloud as been lifted, blinders removed. It is an epiphany, a realization that has come to a troubled mind all too late.

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Is such a life worth living? Full of devastation and suffering, find no reason to rise with the morning sun, no glory in the passing day, and complete despair in the dead of night? They are calling me home, and I intend to answer.

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Your God is dead! A lifetime wasted of praise, unyielding conformity to worship an apparition, a path wrongly followed, paved by the very trickery of His own adversary! You fall into line, God-fearing sheep, in fear of what? Of what? His fictitious damnation, His eternal damnation! What is it you think of it? That eternal damnation is a fiery Hell, an eternity in the blaze that bellows deep within the bowels of the Earth? This is your eternal damnation! Truth! Knowledge! Epiphany! The very core of the realization that He does not exist! Oh it is a raw truth, to turn our faces away from the appeal of a luring light that is all but holy, powered by voltage rather than the supernatural. God is nothing but a childhood tale followed too closely to satisfy the mind’s deathly hunger for reason, cause, understanding, purpose. But, perhaps I am wrong? If I am not all knowing, for I am human and not perfect as the object of my heresy. Then my friend, perhaps it is He who is the evil of world. We all too quickly point the accusing finger at the horned faun, the master of ill-gotten wrath, of treacherous temptation, the world’s scapegoat for all that is evil. But what of the idleness of your mighty God, to stand by with all pain and suffering stirring beneath the shadows cast over this world, to have the power to stop it and yet still to do nothing! He sits upon his cloud, he laughs, he mocks you! Your suffering is his pleasure, while he watches your soul waste and wither, heart blackened by the darkest truth, eyes open and burning. He laughs. This is your God! Do not let blind faith blind you to all which is fact and logic! He is dead! He has left you to die. Forsake him, for he cannot help you.

            Of course, keep your hymns, your psalms, your prayers. Your faith will get you nowhere, but it may bring you comfort in your darkest hour, your fallen hour.

            Do I believe what I write? Is this but a product of the subconscious, a belief that the conscious mind refuses to acknowledge? A defense mechanism, protecting a weakening soul who clings to cemented fallacy for her own sanity, the starving beast in her own mind, searching for reason, searching for its own purpose. Would her soul be lost to the atheist oblivion? Confusion sets in and the scales in her heart begin to tip.

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A change of heart? Hope has been rekindled faintly as it must be. Life without hope is a life without meaning, a life without possibility. Ever on is the question of His existence, and I have spent many an hour battling mind against heart to find the answer I so direly need.

            But perhaps such is a question never meant to be answered in this life. There are boundless wonderings in this world which no science or logic can explain and yet there is science and logic that question and challenge the very foundation of these wonderings. Man is human. We are not perfect nor could we claim to ever be. We do not live so many years that we might know where this world has been or see where it will be and we cannot base so much of our souls and morals on the tellings of those we’ve never known. To follow a tattered book with frayed stories without question, without doubt only leads us blindly down a path that may draw us astray. My heart guides me another way.

            I don’t know what is true. I don’t know who exists, if our world is of atoms, molecules, matter, and equations and nothing more, or if our world, our universe holds a higher power that courses through our bodies, a presence and energy no man can measure. However, I must believe. If my mind and heart can meet no agreement, I must allow a median. Can I believe science? Can I believe in Him? I know I can believe in the power of believing. That whomever we follow, we can find in him hope, we can draw a deep personal strength from it and develop morals and values and a sense of goodness we can understand and hope to aspire towards. Believing gives hope. It brings out the best in mankind. A light shines in the soul of he who believes-who am I, who is science to extinguish it?

            Do I believe in God? I do. Without him I could not go on. I could not live through the treacherous days I face. If He never existed, what harm does it do to follow him now? I will find the truth someday. I fear it will not be the answer I seek, but if it brings good, and I lived a good life because of it, it was all worth while.

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